Wisdom from the pearly Gates

Originally published in the Fullerton College Hornet, Vol. 78, Issue 24; 5 May 1999 and The Orange County Register, 4 July 1999

Brothers and sisters, lend me yo’ modems.

You have downloaded the foul virus of Mac. Repent! Reformat! Reboot!

I have seen the Lord and know his URL. Yeah, his bandwidth is wide, but the entry to his dominion is password-protected.

You can be saved. We can undelete and restore you to the desktop of the chosen.

Verily, verily, I say unto thee, except a drive be reformatted, he cannot access the domain of Windows.

Thou shalt install only one operating system. Thou shalt not have any operating systems before mine.

Thou shalt not take the name of Gates in vain.

Remember the update day, to keep it holy.

Honor thy hardware and software: that thy Internet connection may be long upon the ‘Net which the lord thy Gates hath given thee.

Thou shalt not remove Microsoft software.

Thou shalt not commit software piracy.

Thou shalt not download without consent.

Thou shalt not give memos to Janet Reno.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s hardware.

After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Gates, who art in cyberspace, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in the LAN as it is in cyberspace. Give us this day our daily download. Forgive us our spam, as we forgive those who spam against us. And lead us not into shareware, but deliver us from system errors: For thine is the domain name and the bandwidth and the start page, for ever and ever. Amen.

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